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It might help if you showed both object's code (and removed everything but the required stuff) it sounds like you might want a many to many relationship, but you only have many to one?
SS has some great handling of relationships with little code - I never use a direct db query - and when i do start loading sql into DataObject::get it is for performance optimisation only.
Ok, I got it working by setting the properties on a new Order_Item object and then saving it. Seems to work nicely.
If you’re interested (or have more advice), this is the complete code I ended up using: http://pastie.org/1162797
